So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
