I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
