There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
