Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I love you.
Bad choice
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
