her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
This house was built for laser tag.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
