i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
