There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
