Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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