Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
