Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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