Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
