my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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