Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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