It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
