I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
