You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
