i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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