There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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