im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
