I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
