Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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