Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
