If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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