I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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