like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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