if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
