I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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