Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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