So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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