come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
