This is not my ceiling
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
