Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
