worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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