Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
NoShamevember. You game?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
