i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
