He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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