Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
