from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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