Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
where are my eyebrows?
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