I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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