I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
