I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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