I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
