probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
