FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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