This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
