i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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