FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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