So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
