I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
